News Alert!
Everything Bad For You is Now Good
Great news! All of my former guilty pleasures have turned out to be health foods. Instead of fearing that my addiction to dark chocolate, coffee and red wine is leading me to premature death, I am in fact increasing my life span, and reducing my chance of many horrible diseases. Yes!
Take coffee. I cannot function in the morning until I’ve had a large cup, sometimes two. I’ve always felt bad about this, knowing that I am dependent on the tasty black liquid, and its stimulant effects. My family understands that each morning during the pre-coffee phase, I will be unable to communicate effectively, beyond some basic grunting noises. I shuffle around, scratching and muttering while the beans are grinding and the water is percolating. I have felt badly about this, and I admit I am weak and powerless against the mighty bean. But recent evidence demonstrates that coffee drinkers have lower rates of dementia, parkinsons disease, diabetes, colon cancer, liver disease, and even dental decay! This is the best news ever! It completely justifies my total lack of willpower. I don’t even need to consider quitting coffee. In fact, after reading these studies, I might just increase my daily coffee intake by a cup or two!
As if this wasn’t good enough, another serious weakness has proven instead to be a strength. Dark chocolate, that silky smooth gift from above, is also good for you!
It’s true! Dark chocolate is loaded with anti-oxidants, plant phenols, and epicatechin which improve health and lower blood pressure. Yay! Studies also might have mentioned that moderation is the key to dark chocolate, but I was cramming fistfuls of Lindt truffles in my mouth by the time I read that part, and the article got smeared.
Okay, so by now all of us are thinking this news is too good to be true. Coffee and dark chocolate!? Impossible. But it gets better. As if to prove that God is in fact truly benevolent, my 3rd favorite thing is also healthy. Red wine. Oh yes, red wine is loaded with anti-oxidants, and one glass a day can have a positive effect on cholesterol, blood pressure, prevention of cancer, and heart disease.
So now that everything that used to be bad is good, I can’t help wondering–What’s next? Will researchers discover that Cheetoes make you smarter? Will sitting on the couch watching SportsCenter stop baldness? I’m not sure, but I’m not taking any chances. Sometimes you just can’t afford to wait for the research to happen.
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