Everything Bad For You is Now Good

Wine is good for youPdrink coffeeNews Alert!

Everything Bad For You is Now Good

Great news! All of my former guilty pleasures have turned out to be health foods. Instead of fearing that my addiction to dark chocolate, coffee and red wine is leading me to premature death, I am in fact increasing my life span, and reducing my chance of many horrible diseases. Yes!

Take coffee. I cannot function in the morning until I’ve had a large cup, sometimes two. I’ve always felt bad about this, knowing that I am dependent on the tasty black liquid, and its stimulant effects. My family understands that each morning during the pre-coffee phase, I will be unable to communicate effectively, beyond some basic grunting noises. I shuffle around, scratching and muttering while the beans are grinding and the water is percolating. I have felt badly about this, and I admit I am weak and powerless against the mighty bean. But recent evidence demonstrates that coffee drinkers have lower rates of dementia, parkinsons disease, diabetes, colon cancer, liver disease, and even dental decay! This is the best news ever! It completely justifies my total lack of willpower. I don’t even need to consider quitting coffee. In fact, after reading these studies, I might just increase my daily coffee intake by a cup or two!

As if this wasn’t good enough, another serious weakness has proven instead to be a strength. Dark chocolate, that silky smooth gift from above, is also good for you!
eat chocolate
It’s true! Dark chocolate is loaded with anti-oxidants, plant phenols, and epicatechin which improve health and lower blood pressure. Yay! Studies also might have mentioned that moderation is the key to dark chocolate, but I was cramming fistfuls of Lindt truffles in my mouth by the time I read that part, and the article got smeared.

Okay, so by now all of us are thinking this news is too good to be true. Coffee and dark chocolate!? Impossible. But it gets better. As if to prove that God is in fact truly benevolent, my 3rd favorite thing is also healthy. Red wine. Oh yes, red wine is loaded with anti-oxidants, and one glass a day can have a positive effect on cholesterol, blood pressure, prevention of cancer, and heart disease.

Drink more wine

So now that everything that used to be bad is good, I can’t help wondering–What’s next? Will researchers discover that Cheetoes make you smarter? Will sitting on the couch watching SportsCenter stop baldness? I’m not sure, but I’m not taking any chances. Sometimes you just can’t afford to wait for the research to happen.
couch potatoe

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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

tracy 05.12.10 at 12:54 pm

Yay! Cheetos and red wine…now that there would be a great combination!

PS Glad to see you back, Dr.!

James Ryland 07.13.10 at 5:18 pm

Incredible. In fact, I just read an article a few weeks ago saying that red meat isn’t necessarily bad for you. The health risks they found previously were from processed meats like sausage and the cold cuts that were high in nitrates. I think I’ll go order me a steak.


Sadako 07.20.10 at 11:09 pm

Now why can’t milk chocolate and hostess snacks be good for you too! :( Somehow it’s always the ones I don’t like that are “good”: dark choc, red wine…etc.

Headless Unicorn Guy 09.13.10 at 3:17 pm

So now that everything that used to be bad is good, I can’t help wondering–What’s next?

Ever seen the Woody Allen movie Sleeper?

Kathryn Nobrega 03.10.11 at 2:52 am

This is point out. I often stumble upon kind of contradictory to each other. For instance, one day come across a news article about benefits of drinking water. After 4-5 days another new caught up mind attention which talks about harmfulness of drinking excess water.

What the heck should we do?

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