Top 10 ways to avoid the ER

From time to time, I like to reflect on how unnecessary my professional skills would be if everyone made perfect decisions 100% of the time. This sounds like a wonderful utopia at first, but then the little problem of how I would pay the mortage comes up. Nevertheless, I am going to charge forward, at great risk to my bill-paying ability, by giving the first ever “Top 10 Ways to Avoid the ER!” in 10 installments over the next few weeks. So -let’s start off with Number 10:

# 10 – Minimize your alcohol intake.
Ah, yes, alcohol, also known as ethanol, the most commonly used depressant in the world. You may know that the Puritans brought a large quantity of alcohol with them on the Mayflower, en route to America, but this does not mean that you should bring a case of chardonnay with you to the laundromat. This libation can be enjoyed to excess. And that’s when I typically get involved. My patients have been drunk while driving their car, riding their bike, arguing with their spouse, walking their dog, and even just sitting in their chair minding their own business. Once, I had a drunk fraternity pledge whose brothers stripped him naked and let him loose in the woods. He ended up with hypothermia. The point is, bad things happen to very drunk people. So by all means, have that glass of red wine with dinner–AND THEN STOP THERE!
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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

cardiogirl 01.07.09 at 8:03 am

I can honestly say I’ve never once considered what it would be like or what it would look like to:

ride one’s bike (mountain bike, not a motorcycle) while drunk, or

walk the dog when drunk.

It almost makes me want to ask my neighbor to get drunk and then walk his dog while I watch.

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